FUNNY MAN LOOKS BACK

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Q: Has Michael Eisner mellowed, now that he's off the hot seat?

A: Why, yes. Mikey is relaxed and content in his dotage. He looks back fondly on his long career as a show biz exec. Here's a snip from a recent interview:

Then someone asked Eisner what he thought of the late Martin Davis, former chairman of Paramount Communications, who died of a heart attack in 1999.

"He was the worst man that ever lived," said Eisner, who was a Paramount exec before joining Disney. "In fact, when he died, I was talking to Barry Diller, and he said, 'I hope it was painful.'"

nydn

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Q: Shouldn't that be "the worst man who ever lived.?"

A: No, that would be Michael Ovitz.

ROLL OVER, WALT AND ROY

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Q: Where have you been?

A: Just out of town.

Q: Didn't I see you at GayDays in DisneyWorld?

A: I'm a very common looking fellow. It may have beem someone else.

Q: You were wearing an red InsideDisney tank top.

A: Now that you mention it, I may have been doing some research for this enterprise.

Q: Research? Or participant observation? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

A: Got a question?

Q: Got any dirt?

A: My sources tell me that Disney is planning to expand GayDays to the entire month of June. And, if all goes well, GaySummer may not be far behind.

Q: What's the angle?

A: Disney's had it with the kids and the whole family-friendly bit. Chiseling cheapskates from the Midwest crowding into the cheapo motels, stuffing themselves with turkey legs, drinking gallons of free soda refills are bringing everyone down.

Q: Yeah?

A: So, it's out with the families and in with the gays. The gays have more money to spend; they're not overweight and disgusting like the typical World visitor; they're cleaner and neater than any 10 children. Do you see my point?

Q: Fascinating.

A: Disney sees this as a win-win situation. Where's the downside?

WHO SAID IT

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"I still have my Mickey Mouse underwear, but that's not here."

A. Minnie Mouse
B. Goofy
C. Snow White
D. Emeril Lagasse
E. Mikey Eisner

here

RISK TAKING 2

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Q: I keep hearing about about all the deaths and maimings that take place on the Disney rides. Are the dangers exaggerated, or is there a significant chance that a family on a DisneyWorld will have its numbers reduced before the Magic Your Way 7 day passes are used up?

A: The risks are certainly exaggerated. Let me put it in perspective: You have a much greater chance of being struck by lightning than of being killed at a Disney Park.

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Q: That doesn't really put my mind at ease. I believe lightning strikes are quite common in central Florida. I've seen them illuminate Epcot much more spectacularly than that laser show they've got over there. I've been without power at Port Orleans, and I've been stuck on a fried monorail.

A: Maybe that wasn't the best example. How about: You have a much greater chance of being eaten by an alligator?

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Q: Read the news lately?

A: Perhaps you should consider a hiking vacation in the Great Smokies instead. I hear the bears have already taken their limit.

WHO SAID WHAT?

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Q: What's a duck doing with 10 sheep?

A: Is this some sort of smarmy setup leading to a filthy punch line that will besmirch this fine site?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Q: No.

A: Well what then?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: It's one of those "who said it?' things that are going around.

A: One of those what?

answer

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

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Q: Last year, I got a Disney Rewards credit card from Bank One at a very reasonable rate. So, I charged my DisneyWorld vacation to it. When I got home I found out that Chase had bought Bank One. Now Chase has doubled the interest rate on a my card and applied it retroactively to the large balance I am carrying. What should I do?

A: How's a second job sound? I'm sure if you can put in another 20 hours of night and weekend work every week, you'll be able to make your minimum payments.

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Q: Will I ever be able to afford another vacation?

A: Doubtful, and you have only yourself to blame. Here at InsideDisney, we've published many money saving tips and tricks, which may be legally dubious, but are certainly no more morally reprehensible than the business practices of many financial institutions. You can only hope that your hard lesson will help prevent other sheep from wandering so mindlessly into the shearing shed.

RISK TAKING

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Q: With 2 deaths in less than year, Epcot's Mission: Space is becoming quite notorious. Is it true that going on this attraction is more dangerous than actually going to outer space?

A: Absolutely not. The space shuttle has a death rate of 2%. Mission: Space's 2 deaths over the last year are statistically insignificant. Taking into account ride capacity and Epcot's average attendance, I put the number of Mission: Space "missions" at around 500,000 a year. You do the math.

Q: Thanks for putting my mind at ease. Now I know that it is much to go on a theme park ride than to be blasted into space.

A: Glad to be of service.

THE BEGINNINGS OF A NASTY TRADITION

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Q: Who started the disgusting habit of peeing on Disney icons?

A: That would have to be noted "painter of light" Thomas Kinkade. As reported by The Los Angeles Times:

... there is Kinkade's proclivity for "ritual territory marking," as he called it, which allegedly manifested itself in the late 1990s outside the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim.

"This one's for you, Walt," the artist quipped late one night as he urinated on a Winnie the Pooh figure, said Terry Sheppard, a former vice president for Kinkade's company, in an interview.

link

MY INTEGRITY ASSAILED

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Q: The more I think about it, the more astounded I am that someone like you would get an invite to Simba's Shack. I mean, come on, who did you have to ....?

A: I resent your forwardness in that you presume I would, you know, .... someone, just for a good dinner. Do you even know what sex I am?

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Q: I always assumed you were a man, probably because of the turgid muscularity of your prose.

A: Ah.

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Q: So, if not sex, what? A bit of good press?

A: No you've gone too far! To imply that the Disney corporation, the finest company in the world, a company that has provided pleasure to untold millions, and at reasonable prices, would stoop so low as to engage in a bit of quid quo pro, feeding me exotic meats so that I would puff them up in cyberprint. Outrageous.

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Q: I guess you are really looking forward to the meal.

A: Can't wait.

LION LOIN?

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Q: You're pretty good with your tricks and scams, but do you have any inside dope for those who don't want to brave hungry alligators and mercenary thugs?

A: Thank you, and yes, I do. What specifically are you interested in?

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Q: How about some upscale dining info - some food I don't have to catch and gut myself?

A: California Grill?

--

Q: Been there.

A: Victoria and Albert's?

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Q: Done that.

A: OK, then, I do have something for you.

--

Q: Are you talking about what I think you are talking about?

A: If you think I am talking about Simba's Shack, the exclusive restaurant in the Animal Kingdom lodge, the restaurant that is not advertised anywhere, the restaurant which is by invitation only, the restaurant which will catch, cook, and serve any of the animals at large in the Animal Kingdom Theme Park, endangered or not, which you desire to eat, then yes, I am.

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Q: So, it's not a rumor.

A: No.

--

Q: What can you tell me about it?

A: I've got an invite. You' ll get a full report as soon as I'm back.

-

Q: When should we expect this report?

A: I'm sworn to secrecy as to the exact date, but soon.

-

Q: I can hardly wait.

A: Me either.

GOOD EATS (On the cheap)

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Q: I'm really looking for value in my food dollar. Do you have any tips?

A: There is no fresher fish available at DisneyWorld than those you can catch yourself at the fishin' hole at Port Orleans Riverside.

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Q: Isn't that catch and release?

A: So they say, and that's the beauty of it.

--

Q: Can you elaborate?

A: The fish are used to being caught and released; they've lost their primeval fear of the fish hook.

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Q: Ah ha.

A: Ah ha indeed. We recommend stopping by the fishing hole in the early evening just as it's getting dark. With a good-sized net and a modicum of coordination, you should be able to scoop up a mess of fish, run back to your room, gut the unfortunate suckers, and sizzle them up them on a hot plate before they know what hit them. There's no better value in DisneyWorld.

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Q: But what about seasonings?

A: Stop by the Riverside Mill food court and pick up some complimentary salt, pepper, lemon wedges, whatever you need. Enjoy.

A CHANCE ENCOUNTER

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Q: Anyone there? I hope you haven't gone moribund.

a: Au contraire. I just been off for a little R&R.

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Q: Where to?

A: On a sex tour in one of those perverted Asian countries.

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Q: Sound fascinating. But aren't those jaunts prohibitively expensive?

A: No more so that the typical Disney vacation.

--

Q: So how could you afford it?

A: Fortuitously, I ran into Mikey Eisner on the trip, so the whole think is deductible.

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Q: Eisner! What is he up to these days?

A: He's going to be opening up chain of cathouses and was doing some recruiting.

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Q: So, contrary to what so many people had claimed, Eisner is a hands-on manager?

A: Apparently so.

MINNIE MOUSE: A TRAGIC FIGURE

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Q: I'm fascinated by your handle on Disney arcana. What can you tell me about the history and early years of Minnie Mouse?

A: I can tell you plenty. Are you sure you're up to it?

--

Q: Do you mean this is a sordid twisted saga, like the one about Mortimer/Mickey?

A: I do indeed.

--

Q: What are you waiting for?

A: The story starts with Ub Iwerks, the artist/animator who was with Walt Disney almost from the beginning. Ub was not outgoing like Walt; he had problems meeting people, especially women. Here's how it was:

According to the book Walt Disney: A Biography by Barbara Ford, "In spite of his skills, Ub remained the same shy, inarticulate, serious young man he had been when Walt first met him. He was extremely nervous around young women. Ub's personality made him a natural foil for confident Walt's practical jokes. At Kansas City Film Ad Company, Walt would send Ub postcards signed with girls' names, lock him in the washroom so that he had to hammer on the door to get out, and smuggle animals into his desk and locker. Ub never complained.
link

Ub was determined to rectify the situation and get a female of his own. Through Hollywood's network of procurers and white slavers, Ub was able to purchase a young Minnie Mouse and keep her as his own sex toy. Of cours this drove Walt and Mortimer crazy; they both wanted to get their hands/paws on Minnie.

After Walt "took care of" Mortimer (see previous entry), he had only Ub to deal with. Taking advantage of Ub's fondness for cards and gambling, Walt set up a high-stakes game and invited Ub in. Unbeknowst to Ub, the other players were confederates of Walt, in cahoots with him. Six hours later, a dazed and broken Ub Iwerks realized he had gambled away his one true love, Minnie Mouse.

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Q: What happened next?

A: Walt kept Minnie in high style (all the cheese she could eat), but she was property still the same. Walt used her sexually for years. Finally he tired of her and turned Minnie over to his nephew, Roy, for Roy's perverted amusements Over the years, Minnie had many illegitimate litters by Walt and Roy. Most of the issue was given over to studio cats, two who are known to have survived are named Millie and Melody. The Disney cover story is that they are Minnie's nieces.

--

Q: Caramba! This is a lot like the Tom Jefferson and his nephew with Sally Hemings, isn't it?

A: Yes, it is.

--

Q: I think it's worse. Don't you?

A: Yes, I do. Cross species copulation and procreation is certainly more deviant than a little garden variety 18th century miscegnation.

CHARACTER CONFUSION CLARIFIED

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Q: Official Disney histories state that Mickey Mouse was originally called Mortimer Mouse. That Mortimer was a harder-edged character than Mickey. That Mortimer was cleaned-up, softened-up, and renamed Mickey. Is this true?

A: Yes, it is. As far as it goes.

--

Q: Is there more to the story?

A: Isn't there always?

-

Q: I suppose you are privy to a dark version of this history?

A: Yes, I am.

--

Q: Are you going to enlighten us?

A: I was going to save it for my forthcoming book, (Walt Disney: The Myth Behind the Man Behind the Myth) but no one reads this except for penis-enlargement spammer scammers, so what the heck.

You see, Mortimer Mouse was quite a character. Flashy, charming, a devil with the women, absolutely destined for stardom if he didn't self-destruct first. Walt recognized Mortimer's qualities and signed him to his fledgling studio, intending to ride the reprobate mouse's charisma to an empire of his own. But Mortimer soon became more trouble than Walt had bargained for. He fell in with Errol Flynn's crowd and what had been the light-hearted carousings of a young mouse took an ominous turn. Walt turned a blind eye to rumors of Mortimer's drug use. He made allowances when Mortimer began turning up late for shoots. He ignored studio scuttlebutt that Mortimer had bedded Walt's own wife Lillian. He caught Mortimer red-pawed with two showgirls, a dog, and a branding iron and said nothing.

--

Q: What a tolerant fellow Walt was. Was there no end to his indulgence?

A: Yes, there was. Walt could put up with a lot, but when word got back to him that Mortimer was dealing behind his back and preparing to bolt to Warner's studio, Walt knew he had to act. A trap was set for Mortimer. Lured to what he thought was an assignation with well-endowed siamese twins, Mortimer was set upon by Walt's goons and spirited away to a complaisant veterinarian. There he was subjected to the ultimate indignity.

--

Q: You don't mean?

A: Yes, I do. Mortimer was denatured.

--

Q: Then what?

A: In addition to the castration, Mortimer was subject to a partial lobotomy, and was injected with a cocktail of female hormones. He was kept in a back room at the vet's, under heavy sedation, for a matter of months. (It is alleged that the lifetime contract he signed with Disney was also obtained during this period, when Mortimer/Mickey was obviously non compos mentis.)

--

Q: Did you say Mortimer/Mickey?

A: Yes, I did. For the goony, unthreatening, desexualized Mickey Mouse we see today is non other than the original Mortimer Mouse, still loaded with estrogen, anti-oxidants, and other psychotropic concoctions. Pudgy, bleary, unable to much more than grin a foolish grin and utter faint squeaks, he is a perfect symbol both of the evils of the old studio system and the ineffable facade of the post-modern corporate entertainment megalith.

--

UEEE NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA

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Q: Say, I really liked that entry about the 4Es program. The one thing that is holding me back is the little matter of staying concierge at the Contemporary. That's kind of steep for me.

A: Is there a question?

--

Q: Would Disney object if I cobbled together my own version of this discount; sort of an Unauthorized Extra Early Entry?

A: Yes, they would.

--

Q: How would they know?

A: You wouldn't be able to leave from the Contemporary property. Someone would have to drop your party off. This would most likely attract the attention of Disney security (many of whom are former Tonton Macoutes, by the by). Also, you wouldn't be carrying the official themed trunk, which would be a dead giveaway.

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Q: What would happen if security were to note my attempt to take advantage of this program?

A: The results would be quite draconian.

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Q: Draconian?

A: After Draco, the first law scribe of ancient Greece.

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Q: What's he remembered for?

A: Draco’s attempt to improve the situation of the Greek polis horrified its citizens. The most popular punishment for any crime, no matter the severity, was death.

--

Q: My goodness!

A: My goodness indeed.

--

Q: Surely they wouldn't?

A: The alligators would be loosed, the fence would be electrified, and the guards would be waiting to drag you away, to the bowels of the Magic Kingdom. You would not be heard from again.

--

Q: Wait a minute. did you say bowels?

A: Yes, I believe I did.

--

Q: I believe you made a mistake. Isn't the Utilidor actually above ground?

A: There was no mistake. I wasn't talking about the Utilidor, per se. Not the Utilidor featured in the special tours. I was talking about the Ur-Utilidor. Below the regular Utilidor, this is where the serious business takes place.

--

Q: Fascinating. Can you tell me more about it?

A: Yes, I can. Soon.

NOT A CARRY ON ITEM

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Q: I'm worried about the increasing homogenization of the vacation experience. Are there any unique souvenirs I can pick up at Disney World - souvenirs that will show my neighbors that I'm not cut from the common tourist cloth?

A: Yes, there are. I direct you to the following news story for one example:

A life-size painted statue of a Clydesdale, picked up at Disney World, stares over the fence in the front yard of Joe Rippolone's Grosse Pointe home. ...

Rippolone says he got the horse from Disney World, and he likes it.

Need I say more?

link

DEEP DISCOUNTS

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Q: Any good deals at the World this fall?

A: Yes, there are. Perhaps the best offer out there right now is free admission to the Magic Kingdom for selected concierge guests at The Contemporary Resort. This is an annual promotion that runs in September and October.
--

Q: Did you say free?

A: Yes, I did. It's a little-known program also known as the Extra Early Entry Experience.

--

Q: Did you say selected?

A: Well, let's say self-selected.

--

Q: How does it work?

A: It's simple. After checking in, inform the concierge that you are interested in the 4Es program. Make sure you tell the concierge how many are in your group and their shoe sizes.

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Q: Shoe sizes?

A: Yes, shoe sizes.

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Q: What next?

A: Within an hour or so, a themed box containing properly-sized waders, a CollapsaLadder,* and a bag of chicken parts will be delivered to your room.

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Q: ?

A: Bear with me.

--

Q: OK.

A: Here it is then. Plan to be at the park a half hour before dawn. So get up and get out. Leave the Contemporary and take the walking path to the Magic Kingdom. Once you've crossed the road and left the resort proper, you will see a little path diverging to the right. Take this path to the clump of bushes. Don the waders, walk down the hill and cross the canal. Then it's up the hill, out with the CollapsaLadder*, and over the fence. Stash everything in the box, and heave it back over the fence. Then make your way north along the railroad tracks (away from the main gate), until you come to Space Mountain. Wait in the bushes there until the Kingdom opens. The maintenance gate behind Space Mountain will be ajar. Enter here and enjoy your day.

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Q: I thought Disney was committed to diversity. What if some members of my party have trouble fording and climbing?

A: For a fee most concierges will be glad to ferry you across and help hoist those with surplus poundage. However, this program is really recommended for the active parkgoer.

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Q: What's the chicken gunk for?

A: You may have to distract a gator or two while wading.

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*CollapsaLadder is the official folding ladder of enterprising Disney concierges.

MORE OUTSIDE READING

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Q: Got any good celebrity dish on the Disney experience?

A: Yes, I do. Here's a tip of the hat from Christopher Kennedy Lawford's autobiography:

The great thing about going to the Magic Kingdom "loaded on PCP," points out Christopher, "is that even It's a Small World is a cool ride."

BEAT THE MEATLES, FLORIDA STYLE

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Q: Is there anything I should know about the cheesy Beatles knockoff band that performs at the U.K. pavilion at Epcot?

A: I believe the accepted term is cheesy tribute band.

--

Q: OK then. Is there anything I should know about the cheesy Beatles tribute band that performs at the U.K. pavilion at Epcot?

A: Yes, there is. The band has an illustrious, yet twisted, history. It is a little known fact that three of the members of British Invasion are actually the bastard offspring of the real Beatles.

--

Q: Three of the members?

A: Yes, three.

--

Q: Well?

A: The one who plays George is John Lennon's son. The one who plays John is actually Paul's son. And the one who plays Paul is the love child of George Harrison and Demi Moore's younger sister.

--

Q: That's amazing. What about the guy who plays Ringo? Know anything about him?

A: He's the grandson of Pete Best.

--

Q: Who?

NEWS FLASH

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Q: Is Disney going to do anything for the victims of Hurricane Katrina?

A: Yes, they are. My sources tell me that DisneyWorld will open up their namesake Port Orleans resort (3,000+ rooms) to evacuees, who may stay as long as they need to, free of charge. Free park passes and food vouchers are included, of course.

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Q: That sounds like a great offer. Are there any arrangements to get the people to Florida?

A: I believe that New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin is arranging bus transportation. Details forthcoming.

A FUNNY ANECDOTE

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Q: Is it true that, contrary to the wholesome, family-friendly image that he and his company projected, Walt Disney was actually a wild drunken skirt-chasing reprobate?

A: Yes, it is.

--

Q: Can you support this assertion with a funny anecdote?

A: Yes, I can. This dates back to the mid 50's. Walt's wife Lillian was sound asleep late one summer evening when Walt, howling drunk, burst into the bedroom with Minnie Mouse, herself disheveled, akimboed, under his arm.

Lillian shook herself awake and demanded to know what was going on. Walt gave her his famous thousand yard stare, then laughed and said: "This is the pig I've been screwing when you are not around."

"You deranged fool," Lillian said. "That's a mouse, not a pig."

Walt laughed again. "I wasn't talking to you," he said.

OUTSIDE READING CAN PAY OFF

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Q: Read any good magazine articles lately?

A: Yes, I have. Here's an excerpt from Dave Hickey's Welcome to Dreamsville, an article on DisneyWorld that appears in the August issue of Vanity Fair (sorry, not online):

I thought about everything it was and wasn't, the cornucopia of image, illusion, and icon, and realized, to my delight, that Disney is a freaking pagan cult.... (pg. 149)

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Q: Say, this guy sounds like a top-notch observer. Does he have anything else to contribute?

A: Yes, he has. Perhaps most interesting are his observations on the Mannequins, a dance club on Pleasure Island. Here he found "Alice, from Wonderland," in civvies, shall we say:

"Tonight she was a Goth hottie, trailing scarves and swooning on the arm of a black-headed woman in very tright jeans."

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Q: What, exactly, was going on?

A: "People were dancing and trying to get laid," in a "techno-chick gay bar."

--

Q: Did you say gay bar?

A: No, I didn't. Dave Hickey did.

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Q: I'm confused. I though Disney only allowed gays during Gay Week. Was I misinformed?

A: Yes, you were.

--

Q: Wait a minute, does he mean "techno-chick gay bar" like in that Jonathan Richman song?

A: What song? Pablo Picasso?

--

Q: No. I mean that song I Was Dancing in the Lesbian Bar.

A: Sorry, I don't know that much about the later Richman oeuvre.

DISNEY DISCOUNTS

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Q: Is there a way to use Disney Dollars to save money on a Disney vacation?

A: Yes, there is. Disney Dollars are usually available on Ebay at 80% of face value. This could translate to a significant savings if one were able to accumulate a significant amount. However, there are rarely enough Dollars on Ebay at any one time. You could drive yourself crazy, picking up $10 here or $20 there.

--

Q: So, is there a better way?

A: Yes, there is. My colleague, Pocatello Pete, of Pete's Portable Printing in Polk City, is usually able to offer to offer high quality, ersatz Disney Dollars at a 50% discount off face value. And Pete is usually able to offer his product in any quantity you desire.

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Q: Ersatz? What's that mean?

A: A substitute. An imitation.

--

Q: Do you mean counterfeit?

A: I'm no lexicographer, but I don't think it's possible to counterfeit what is essentially fake money in the first place.

--

Q: I feel much better now. How can I get in touch with Pete?

A: Pete moves around a lot and doesn't keep a permanent office (like a lot of high-tech entrepreneurs). He's at Downtown Disney most weekends, just ask around. It could really be worth your while.

--

Q: Have you used Pete's product, yourself?

A: Not directly. I avail myself of other discounts and comp programs, so I haven't had the need of Pete's services. However, I do let him buy me lunch whenever we manage to hook up for a meal at a Disney establishment.

A PERNICIOUS RUMOR DEBUNKED

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Q: I've heard many times, from varied sources, that Walt Disney was cryonically frozen and put into storage under The Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disneyland. Can you speak to this?

A: Yes, I can. I don't know how such wild stories get started. There is absolutely no truth to this. That fact is that Walt's chilled carcass is and has been located at DisneyWorld in Florida. What's more, for many years it has been on display, hidden in plain sight, if you will, at various locations throught the "World." His most recent public appearance was as the "Iceman" in Ice Station Cool at Epcot. Unfortunately the Ice Station is now closed for renovations and Walt will be "backstage" for a while.

--

Q: Will we see him again?

A: Undoubtedly. Most likely as part of the new Expedition Everest attraction opening soon at the Animal Kingdom theme park.

QUIET ATTRACTION HAS CHECKERED PAST

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Q: Is there a backstory behind the miniature train setup at the Germany pavilion in Epcot?

A: Yes, there is. This seemingly innocent train set and village mockup has quite a lurid history. It was originally owned by Il Duce, Benito Mussolini, who presented it as a gift to none other than Adolf Hitler. Mussolini, often created with making the trains run on time in Italy, had a wicked sense of humor.

The Fuhrer and Eva Braun spent many happy hours at their mountain retreat watching these very same trains go round and round this very track. Is is said that the trains relaxed Hitler, and brought him back to a simpler time, before he had plunged the world into the chaos of war and personally ordered the deaths of millions.

When members of the 101st Airborne liberated the Eagle's Nest, some headed for the wine cellar, but Otis Jones, of Missoula, MO., headed for the game room. He boxed up the train set and had it sent home. It was set up in Otis's rumpus room, where its provenance gave it a local celebrity.

Eventually, Walt Disney heard of its existence, and being both a Hitler admirer and a train fanatic, had to have it. At first Jones didn't want to part with his prize, but Walt made him the proverbial offer that couldn't be refused (I believe it had something to do with a young Annette Funicello) and carried off the train set in triumph.

Although Walt didn't live to see the train at its current home in Epcot, his attention to detail is evident in the way his plans were carried out. The train runs continuously through a mockup of the village of Berchtesgarten, delighting millions of tourists, who have no idea that they are participating in one man's twisted tribute to Adolf Hitler.

THE STRANGE AND TERRIBLE SAGA OF FORT WILDERNESS: YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED (part 1)

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Q: I have been trying for some time now to reserve a spot at the Fort Wilderness campground and have been unable to get through. Is there a problem?

A: Yes, there is. It is my sad duty to inform you that Fort Wilderness is under occupation, and is for all intents and purposes, no longer a Disney "property."

--

Q: Under occupation? By who?

A: Don't you mean by whom?

--

Q: Do I?

A: You do.

--

Q: OK then. Whom has occupied Fort Wilderness?

A: Illiterate slugs, such as yourself. To wit, a motley crew of rednecks, racists, white trash, gun nuts, toothless freaks, degenerates and other southerners have planted themselves in Fort Wilderness and refused to leave.

--

Q: How could Disney let this happen?

A: They were fooled, They couldn't tell the difference between the above described crew and the regular clientele at Fort Wilderness.

--

Q: What happened next?

A: Once Disney security realized what was going on, they entered the area and tried to evict the squatters, but they were repelled. The security gate on Vista Drive was destroyed, barricades were put up at the main entrance and at the path from Wilderness Lodge.

--

Q: Why can't Disney get some outside help?

A: The local police are terrified by the reports of atrocities and the Florida National Guard is in Iraq, protecting our country.

--

Q: Did you say atrocities?

A: Yes, I did.

--

Q: To what are you referring?

A: Have you seen the draft horses recently? The ones the ride up and down Main Street in the Magic Kingdom? The ones who are stabled at Fort Wilderness?

--

Q: Hey, who's asking the questions here?

A: Sorry.

--

Q: No, I haven't seen the horses recently. It's all old cars and double-decker buses.

A: Exactly.


to be continued

Q's, A's

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Q: Is Disney a patriotic company? Are they doing their bit in the war on terror?

A: Yes, of course. One prime example is a previously hush, hush program that Disney is operating in concert with the U.S. government. In what some are calling the first case of reverse redaction, some Guantanamo Bay prisoners, (sorry, detainees) the really hard cases, have been flown into DisneyWorld after-hours. Then blindfolded, they have been whisked to the Magic Kingdom, where they have been subjected to repeated rides on the Small World attraction, until their resistance has been worn down. Those who do not crack under this treatment have been reportedly been trundled over to Adventureland and forced to sit through repeated shows in The Tiki Room. This one two punch has proven effective in reducing even the most hardened jihadists to gibbering idiots willing to sell out their cause for some peace and quiet.

Thanks to "our friend" at Shades of Green for this update.

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Q: Anything else?

A: Yes, Disney has cancelled all annual pass discounts for those on terror watch lists.

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MORE Q&A

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Q: I've heard the parade routes get very crowded. Is there a way to get a good parade view without staking out a place hours in advance?

A: Yes, there is. Simply pick a good spot a minute or so before the parade is due to start. As the parade approaches, put your head down and your elbows out. Swing your elbows vigorously as you work your way through the crowd. Don't stop until you have an unobstructed view.

An alternate method applies for those with children. Pick up a child (it doesn't necessarily have to be yours), extend arms, lock elbows. Using the child as a battering ram, feint left, jab right, and charge up the middle like Moses parting the Red Sea. Enjoy the parade.

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Q: Is there a drug scene at DisneyWorld?

A: Yes, there is. The Disney company is not as stodgy and conservative as the mainstream media would have us believe. (Thank goodness for blogs.) Disney recognizes that a vacation at the World can be a stressful experience - it's loud, it's crowded, it's expensive. They realize full well the therapeutic value of some weed, or Thai stick, or black hash. To that end, they have set up "smoking" areas throughout their theme parks and resorts. Feel free to fire up and toke away!

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Q: Are you really peddling inside info? I mean, everybody knows it's OK to get high at DisneyWorld. What they don't know is whether it's possible to get "serious" drugs there. In other words, could a hardcore druggie have a good time on Splash Mountain?

A: Yes, he/she certainly could. While my own cravings for the "hard stuff" rarely extend further than the bourbon flights offered at the Belle Vue Room, those who demand an edgier time need not be disappointed.

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Q: The dope?

A: You can get anything you want at Aunt Polly's restaurant.

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FAQ's

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Q: Is there a nude beach at DisneyWorld?

A: Yes, there is. The nude beach is for guests of the Grand Floridian and Polynesian resorts. It is located in a secluded area, set back from the walkway linking the resorts. Simply leave your room (clad in a robe or towel) and follow the sand path. When you come to the opening, drop the robe and enjoy! Don't worry if you are the first one there, others are bound to happen by soon.

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Q: Is DisneyWorld a good place to "meet" women?

A: Yes, it is. The World probably rivals the internet as a place for quick and semi-anonymous "dates." The best place to meet women out for a little "adult" fun is at the Port Orleans resort. Just like the real New Orleans, there are available women throughout this complex, waiting to meet a guy like you. If you are lucky enough to hook-up, you should know that Disney does rent rooms by the hour, all you have to do is ask.

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Q: I was thinking about more "classy" women. For instance, could I get a date with Cinderella?

A: Yes, you could. Most of the Disney characters are available for private dates (i.e. sessions) at PrincessEscortsofLakeBuenaVista.com.* Contact them directly for a rate sheet.

* This site is not affiliated with PrincessEscortsofLakeBuenaVista.com. However, we do accept advertising. If anyone at PE is interested, please contact ID for a rate sheet.

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Q: Does PrincessEscorts recognize what a diverse world we live in? What I mean is, if I wanted, say, an hour of Peter Pan's time, could that be arranged?

A: Yes, it could.

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Q: Given the recent tragic fatality on the Mission Space ride and the scary near-death on The Tower of Tower, I have to ask: Is DisneyWorld a dangerous place?

A: Yes, it is. Unfortunately the incidents that make the paper are only the tip of the iceberg. Although the exact number is a closely guarded secret, it is believed that hundreds, if not thousands of people, meet their end at DisneyWorld every year.

In addition to the killer rides, there are knifings, bludgeonings, kidnappings, drownings, you name it. A vast conspiracy that starts with the lowliest ride operator, continues through Disney security and management, extends through the media, to the highest reaches of Florida state government, and some say, even to the Homeland Security Department, is in place to suppress this information and keep the vital tourist industry firing on all cylinders.

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Q: Did you say kidnappings?

A: Yes, I did. It is my sad duty to inform you that DisneyWorld is no place for children. In fact, some studies show that a clean well-scrubbed child has about a 50% chance of being snatched, either by white slavers or by internet perverts, both of whom operate with impunity throughout the World.

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Q: I had no idea the situation was so dire. Short of cancelling my vacation, is there anything I can do?

A: Yes, there is. First, make sure you carry a wad of cash ($2500, or so, in unmarked 20's) with you at all times. If your child is taken, approach any Disney cast member and explain the situation. With luck, and if you act quickly enough, the cast member (i. e. collaborator) should be able to exchange a swap (never say ransom) of your spare cash for your child.

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Q: That's a lot of money and we are really on a budget. Is there a way to ensure my child isn't snatched more than once a vacation?

A: Yes, there is. Simply ask that your child get a hand stamp. This will place little "Mickey" or "Minnie" off limits for the rest of your trip.

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Q: Then will I still need that wad of cash?

A: Yes, you will. You were planning to eat lunch, weren't you?

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Q: I know the original seven dwarfs were a rough bunch. But what about the ones in DisneyWorld today? Are they like their namesakes, or am I wrong in assuming they have been Disneyfied?

A: Yes, you are. Avoid any free roaming dwarfs encountered at DisneyWorld at all costs. I can't emphasize this enough.